


the lines are blurred, reality deferred (and we're chasing down tomorrow)

by clarkeofthebikru



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Post-Canon, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-24 19:19:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3781396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clarkeofthebikru/pseuds/clarkeofthebikru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After everything at Mount Weather, Clarke spends a lot of time trying to come to terms with her past, and along the way meets a little girl who happens to remind her a lot of someone, but she can't figure out exactly who...</p>
            </blockquote>





	the lines are blurred, reality deferred (and we're chasing down tomorrow)

**Author's Note:**

> There is a considerable amount of angst ahead but it gets soothed for the most part.

It's been two months since she irradiated Mount Weather and Clarke's been essentially living by herself in the woods ever since she left Camp Jaha. She'd spent a few nights in a grounder village very similar to Ton DC, but other than that, she'd been pretty much on her own. She'd been, for the most part, well received in the village there. Apparently she's some kind of legend to them (which she tries not to think about too much because a part of her still hates herself for what she had to do to get herself here). 

 

There was a woman in the village named Azka who offered her supplies and a tent, as well as a place to stay while visiting. Clarke accepted her help with only mild hesitance, not wanting to impose herself on the woman's home or take anything she may need for herself. She accepts it and stays two nights with Azka, spending most of her time sketching in a notebook she's lifted from one of the bunkers in the area and avoiding the grounders' attention. After one last night in the village, she sets out and builds herself a small camp, hidden away in the woods. She protects herself, but only barely. She hunts for food when she needs it, but it's not easy. Azka visits her from time to time, and she offers to teach Clarke little things, like how to start a fire and which plants will give her energy if she eats them, and occasionally bringing her any supplies she may need. Clarke is grateful, she truly is. 

 

Azka never once asks her about the Mountain. 

 

Clarke learns that Azka is a teacher, of sorts, and Azka tells her stories about the children she teaches, most of whom will grow to be warriors soon. The stories are, for the most part, what Clarke would expect of a five year-old. Learning to read and write trigedasleng, and being taught basic english simultaneously. Learning about the animals this world has to offer, as well as the many dangers they face. Clarke finds herself learning new things about Earth every day through Azka's teachings, and she's very thankful to have found her. In turn, she tells Azka about space and what life was like on the Ark, leaving out her father's death and her stint in prison because she doesn't want to have to worry about any questions Azka could ask.

 

One day, Clarke tells Azka about the mountain. Azka asks her the same question she asks herself every day: Do you regret it?

 

Everyday Clarke says she doesn't know.

 

One morning while they're hunting together, Clarke tells Azka she's going to see the mountain, and Azka brings her a sword to protect herself. Clarke has almost no idea how to use it, and Clarke is thankful she still has her gun and a few knives Azka's help her made, but Azka seems to find her ineptitude with a sword hilarious, and Clarke reminds her that she was raised in space and there wasn't much use for a sword on the Ark. Azka shows her on a map the way to the mountain and Clarke studies it at length before her trip.

 

* * *

 

 

The day Clarke leaves for the mountain, a little over two months after taking her friends home, Clarke tells Azka, "May we meet again," to which she replies "Mebi oso na hit choda op nodotaim." Clarke knows this to be an echo of her own words and it makes her smile a little to think of how unknowingly similar they are.

 

There's a light snow on the ground which Clarke finds a bit harder to navigate than she'd like, but she manages to make the whole trip before sunset.

 

When she gets to Mount Weather, she notices two things:

 

One: There are several hundred graves in the clearing on the mountain.

 

Two: The door to the mountain is open.

 

She walks the outskirts of the graveyard, afraid to get too close to the graves.

 

(The graves which wouldn't exist had she not killed their residents.)

 

Her eyes find their way to the place she stood as she watched the door to Mount Weather close, locking her people inside with almost no hope of being able to rescue them. They find their way to the rock she hid behind as the mountain men took shots at her people and the grounders. They find their way to the spot on which Lexa stood as she untied Emerson's hands after betraying the peace set forth between their people and walking away without so much as a second glance.

 

All of the sudden, anger courses through her veins like fire and she wants to scream.

 

Every thought and feeling she'd tried so hard to ignore came flooding to her mind at it's all too much. She closes her eyes and is berated by everything she's done, who she's become.

 

_We don't decide who lives and dies, not down here._

 

_Jus drein, jus deun._

 

_Did that make you feel better?_

 

_Who we are and who we have to be to survive are two very different things._

 

_Can you irradiate level 5?_

 

_I made this choice with my head and not my heart._

 

The blame for what transpired sits heavily on her shoulders as the voices of those who accused her echo loudly in her head.

 

_This is on you princess._

 

_What you did will haunt you until the end of your days._

 

_Everyone's always counting on you._

 

_I bear it so they don't have to_.

 

Those she's lost, those she's left behind...

 

_You started a war that you don't know how to end._

 

_Try and remember that we're the good guys._

 

_What if this is who we are now?_

 

_Maybe there are no good guys._

 

She hears everything she's been running from for two months and it's close to destroying her.

 

_Do your job._

 

_I didn't want this._

 

_I have to save them._

 

_Their blood is on your hands._

 

People died. Because of her. For her. Without her.

 

_The dead are gone, Clarke. The living are hungry._

 

Voice after voice screaming the thoughts she's kept buried deep inside.

 

_Yu gonplei ste odon._

 

_May we meet again._

 

And finally, silence. After a while, Azka's soft voice drifts into her mind.

 

_Do you regret it?_

 

She did what she thought she had to in order to save her people. 

 

_Victory stands on the back of sacrifice._

 

For the first time, she understands why Lexa did what she did.

 

She's realizing now, while looking out across the clearing at the mounds of dirt that hold the hundreds of people she's killed that she and Lexa aren't as different as she thinks.

 

Neither better than the other, both just doing what they think is best for their people.

 

If she's going to be able to live with herself, she has to accept what she knows now to be true. There is no good or evil, no clear cut villain in this life. People do what they must to survive and protect themselves. 

 

_We are what we are._

 

You're always the villain in someone else's story.

 

* * *

 

Clarke sets up a camp nearby and stays there for two weeks, making time to visit each grave for a moment as a way to somehow pay her respects during her stay. She intends to stay longer, perhaps to go in the mountain and see what she can find (though, she guesses her people as well as the grounders have gone through and taken most of the supplies), but the unrelenting cold of winter forces her to pack up and travel. She walks away from Mount Weather with a little less heaviness to her heart.

 

Although there's a large part of her that will always be haunted by what she's done to keep herself and her people alive, she's willing to accept that perhaps, in this world, life really is about surviving, and that maybe, were her life any different, were this another time, she'd let herself get caught up in the number of lives she's been responsible. 

 

But this is her world and that's not the case.

 

* * *

 

Clarke doesn't see, or even go near Polis until three months after she irradiates Mount Weather. She wasn't planning on going anywhere near the city, in fact she had no idea that's where she was when she first arrived, but it's winter and living in a tent during a blizzard is anything but easy so she can't afford to be picky about where she's living, so she stayed despite knowing that this is the exact place Lexa wanted to show her.

 

Polis is very different to the other grounder villages Clarke has seen. She likes to think it's styled in a way that's very similar to ancient Rome or Greece. The buildings are made of cement (and Clarke guessed they're put together with pieces of old buildings of some sort) or wood and are much more stable than the huts and cabins in their villages. Clarke notes there's also running water and a more calculated effort in terms of decoration. 

 

For a post-apocalyptic city, Polis isn't half bad.

 

When she arrives, she's noticed almost immediately, and offered housing by many people. She settles for staying with a quiet, older woman, Trila, who she hopes won't ask her too many questions. 

 

She comes to find that Trila really doesn't talk much, which is truly a relief for her. She's very helpful, always offering Clarke food and new clothing, saying that she enjoys the company of another person. Clarke helps her as often as she can, but the woman is very insistent on Clarke of the Skaikru not having to do much after all she's done for her people. 

 

Despite her relative quiet, Clarke does learn that Trila is a healer, and well respected in Polis and the surrounding villages. She tells Clarke she was the only person to even get close to turning a reaper back before Clarke came along. She tells her things about Polis, about the other clans that share the city, and about their leaders. She mentions Lexa briefly once and Clarke feels uneasy for hours after she does. 

 

One day, she asks Trila where the leaders of the clans are and Trila says they all have their own places of residence. She says they come through Polis every other month or so, though never more than one stays there at the same time, because there's only one building thought to be worthy of the leader, the Capitol Building.

 

Clarke wonders which clan leader is there right now and hopes it's not Lexa.

 

Just because she understands what Lexa did doesn't mean she can look at without feeling like she's been punched in the stomach.

 

She knows that the minute the snow starts to melt, she'll leave Polis in search of a place to set up camp on her own, but for now, she's stuck in this city, knowing fully well that she could run into Lexa anytime.

 

She hopes for Lexa's sake as much as her own that she doesn't.

 

* * *

 

Clarke stays in Polis for two months before the snow finally starts to melt and it begins to warm up a bit. Trila gives Clarke several furs as a parting gift, as well as some clean clothing, a map, and any food she can spare.

 

It's an awkward goodbye. 

 

Despite having lived together for months, Clarke hardly knew anything about Trila. She figures it's easier that way, though. It makes it so she worries less.

 

(She wonders if the woman can tell just how much Clarke worries.)

 

* * *

 

She returns to Polis four months later, after exploring the land a little and visiting Camp Jaha to let them know she's alive. 

 

She also stops by to see Azka on her way and tell her about her travels.

 

When she arrives back in Polis, things are almost exactly the same as when she left, except it's summer now and there are flowers where there once laid a blanket of snow, and leaves on the previously barren trees.

 

She briefly visits Trila to let her know she'll be in Polis and Trila is happy to see her (or as close to happy as Clarke thinks the woman gets). She offers Clarke her home while she stays in Polis, but Clarke turns it down. Polis is a big city and she wants to see a different part of it. Trila wishes Clarke well and then Clarke goes of in search of a place to stay that's closer to the Capitol Building.

 

She finds a family, a mother, Beya, a daughter, Nelea, and a baby, Zeno, who offer her a home and she almost says no, not wanting to cause the woman any extra stress than she's sure having two children already does, but the woman is nothing if not persistent and eventually wears Clarke down.

 

Beya is one of the kindest people Clarke has ever met, and it surprises her. She treats Clarke like a daughter and despite being an adult, Clarke tends to let her.

 

Her daughter on the other hand is much slower to trust Clarke.

 

* * *

 

One night, she, Beya and Nelea are sitting quietly and eating dinner when when Nelea says something that throws Clarke for a loop.

 

"How did you kill the Maunon?" She asks, and Clarke almost drops her fork. Nelea is eight years old and asking Clarke for details of the genocide she fronted over dinner. It's terrifying for Clarke to think how this girl has already begun to train to do something that Clarke wishes no person ever had to, to be a warrior.

 

"Nelea, shof op." Beya tells her daughter, but the girl ignores her.

 

"Tell me, Clarke of the Skaikru." She tells Clarke, spitting the last word out like it's venom.

 

"I let the radiation into the mountain and it killed them all." Clarke says, but she can't bring herself to look at the girl. There's no pride in what she says, in fact there's no feeling at all behind it. It's a statement of fact, and that's all that day will ever be to her.

 

"So you did not kill them, the air did." Nelea states, and Clarke can tell it's meant to belittle her, but somehow it makes Clarke feel a little relieved that this girl doesn't see Clarke as responsible for the deaths of the Mountain Men, but the Earth itself. "You are not a hero." The girl says, and it's angry. She stands up abruptly and storms off (Clarke assumes to her room). Clarke lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding.

 

"I am sorry, Clarke. I know it must be no easy thing to think about the past. Our pasts will always haunt us." Beya says, and Clarke nods. She can't bring herself to say anything, and Beya seems to understand. She stands and puts a hand on Clarke's shoulder, briefly squeezing it as she moves to clear the table. 

 

That night, Clarke sleeps a little lighter knowing at least one person in her life sees her as nothing more than someone doing what they must to survive.

 

* * *

 

Two weeks after she arrives in Polis, she sees Octavia in one of their marketplaces.

 

Somehow or another, she got word that this is where Clarke was and came to find her.

 

The first thing Octavia does when she sees her is slap her across the face. Clarke knows she deserves it, so she doesn't say anything. The next thing she does surprises Clarke.

 

"I'm glad you're okay." She tells her, straight faced, covered in war paint and dirt. 

 

"You too." Clarke says with a small smile.

 

"Why are you here?" Octavia asks, and Clarke just shrugs.

 

"Needed a place to stay and Camp Jaha wasn't it. Too much history." Clarke tells her, and Octavia seems to understand. 

 

"You know Lexa comes through to stay tomorrow, right?" Octavia asks her and her stomach drops. She'd manage to go over nine months without seeing Lexa and now she's on her way to Polis, where Clarke could run in to her any day. Clarke shakes her head no. "She wants to see you, apparently." That makes Clarke angry. She doesn't want to see Lexa, not yet. 

 

"Well I don't want to see her, so how inconvenient that will be for her." Clarke says and Octavia chuckles quietly. 

 

"Lexa's a bitch." Octavia says, and Clarke shrugs. If Lexa's a bitch, then so is she.

 

"She did what she had to, doesn't mean I like it." She tells Octavia with a wistful smile. Octavia frowns a little and Clarke looks away briefly, not wanting to see the look on Octavia's face any longer. She sees Nelea and Beya, holding Zeno, looking in her direction and waves (something grounders don't typically do but Clarke can't seem to stop doing anyways) and Beya must see it as an invitation to join them because she walks over to she and Octavia, dragging Nelea along with her.

 

"Octavia this is Beya and her daughter Nelea and her baby Zeno. Nelea's training to be a warrior." Clarke says, looking at Nelea who stares back with as much intensity as an eight year old can muster.

 

"Are you skaikru as well?" Beya asks, and Clarke watches as Octavia flinches a little, before relaxing and saying.

 

"Trikru. I was skaikru but I trained to be a warrior with trikru." Octavia explains, and it's mildly unsettling to hear Octavia denounce her old people so bad, but Clarke figures she's not really one to talk. 

 

"You will always be _skaikru_." Nelea says, and Beya hushes her.

 

"If she says she is trikru, she is trikru, Nelea. Do you not see the war paint? She is a warrior, just like you will be." Beya explains, and Nelea just huffs before wandering off a little to go kick at some dirt. 

 

"She's very spirited. She'll do well as a warrior." Octavia assures Beya who gives her the smallest of smiles.

 

"She has much to learn about respect and when to keep her mouth closed." Beya tells her and Clarke chuckles.

 

"I was the same way. Clarke still is." Octavia teases and Clarke feels a weight lifted off her chest. She knows Octavia hasn't forgiven her, and possibly never truly will, but at least they're talking, and it really feels nice to have her back.

 

"Asshole." Clarke mumbles, and Beya makes a face that's somewhere between shock and amusement. 

 

"Do you have a place to stay, Octavia?" Beya asks her, and Octavia shakes her head yes.

 

"Yes, I'm staying with a friend of a friend on the outskirts, Thena." Octavia explains, and Beya smiles. 

 

"Good. I wish you well. As for you Clarke, will you be home for dinner or are you going to spend it with your friend?" Beya asks, shifting Zeno from one hip to the other, and Clarke looks to Octavia for an answer.

 

"Unfortunately, I have a meeting with the Commander's guards, so I have to go soon." Octavia says, and Clarke notices that Nelea perks up at the word 'Commander'. Clarke is a little let down, she was hoping to see more of Octavia, maybe actually have a chance to talk, to explain herself. "But I'll be around tomorrow night, Clarke, if you wanna get together." She says, and Clarke smiles.

 

"I'd like that. Meet here at sunset?" She suggests and Octavia nods. "Perfect." She says. She thinks Octavia's going to leave, but instead she takes a step towards Clarke and extends her arm. Clarke grips her by the forearm and Octavia does the same. They shake briefly, and it's certainly awkward. Clarke wouldn't expect any less, though. She and Octavia have a lot to work through. Octavia pulls her a little closer and leans in to say something in her ear quietly.

 

"I see Lexa tomorrow. I wont tell her I've seen you, but it's likely she'll find you anyways. See you tomorrow, Clarke." She tells her, before stepping back and turning to Beya. "It was nice to meet you, Beya. I'll be sure to tell the Commander there's a great new warrior coming her way." She says, and Beya smiles. Clarke sees Nelea looking out from behind her mother. Though her face doesn't change, she knows that Nelea is at least a little excited by the Commander knowing who she is when she sees the girl tugging at the hem of her shirt to straighten it out a little.

 

"Goodbye, Octavia." Beya says, and Nelea looks up and makes eye contact with Octavia. Neither say anything, and Clarke swears she's seen the look in the girl's eyes somewhere before. Before she can place it, however, Octavia turns away with a nod in the girl's direction.

 

"Bye Octavia." She calls after her before Nelea speaks.

 

"I like her better than you. At least she's a true warrior." She tells Clarke, before running off in the direction of her own home.

 

It stings, but she's heard worse so she shrugs it off. She can't help but note that the familiarity she's begun to notice in the way Nelea speaks, and she wonders where she could have possibly heard it before.

 

Perhaps it's just a common grounder mannerism.

 

* * *

 

After a few days, Clarke and Octavia go out on a hunting trip together with some of the warriors. It’s mostly in the name of practice (Polis has plenty of food and these warriors have moved far past their animal hunting stages) but it’s fun regardless. Clarke brings her gun, as well as the sword Azka gave her and a small backpack full of supplies. 

 

Clarke’s surprised when she learns that Nelea is on their trip as well. Apparently she’s at the age where they start taking her out on hunting trips. It makes Clarke’s chest tighten to think of the young girl sending an arrow through the heart of some unsuspecting animal, but she knows that’s how grounders train their warriors. Clarke and Octavia hang back close to the back, not wanting to intrude on the lesson the girl, as well as several other children are getting from the more experienced warriors. 

 

They don’t speak except for the occasional whispered comment about a child’s technique and it’s almost fun, aside from the whole killing aspect of the trip.

 

Clarke gets distracted by something in the trees all of the sudden there’s a loud snap of a twig under her feet and she finds herself face to face with about ten tiny warriors, as well as several of their larger counterparts. “Sorry, sorry!” Clarke apologizes, and the warriors turn around, motioning for the children to follow. She hears Octavia laugh from her right and sharply elbows her in the ribs. 

 

She starts to walk again, watching the ground at all times for any twigs she might step on, and because she’s not watching the path anymore, she almost doesn’t notice that Nelea has stopped and is facing her, until Octavia’s grabbing her arm and stopping her right before she crashes into the girl.

 

“I know you just fell from the sky but you are terrible at this.” Nelea tells her. Clarke huffs in anger.

 

“I’m not horrible, just, no one’s helped me like they’re helping you.” Clarke argues, and Nelea looks at her exasperatedly.

 

“You walk so loudly I am sure if you went back into space you would hear yourself, sky girl.” Nelea says, and if she wasn’t a child, Clarke would fight her. Clarke doesn’t understand why the girl is so hesitant to trust her. She practically trips over herself to prove to the girl that she’s worthy of her trust. She helps her mother with things, fixes things around their house, stays out of Nelea’s way, and still, the girl treats her like she’s an outsider.

 

Clarke guesses she will always be an outsider to the girl, that no amount of cooperation or friendliness will assuage her somewhat unreasonable distrust of Clarke, but she hopes that maybe, somehow, she can prove to the girl that she’s at least worthy of some ounce of her respect. She knows she is. She eliminated the greatest threat her people face and even though she kind of fucking hates that she had to do it, she think it earns her some kind of respect from this girl.

 

She spends the rest of the hunting trip trying to be quiet and stay out of everyone’s way, occasionally mumbling things like “It’s not like everyone _had_ to turn around” or “People probably acted less surprised when we fell from the sky” and hitting Octavia each time she laughed. Occasionally Nelea would turn around and give her a look that suggested if Clarke didn’t shut up, she would pick up the nearest rock and throw it at her head to shut her up. 

 

The hunt is mildly successful, with Nelea taking down two deer and a few of her classmates doing the same, as well as taking out a couple larger birds. When they arrive back at Polis, she and Octavia part ways, but not before Octavia throws one last jab her way about the stick incident, earning her a nice middle finger and a “Fuck you” thrown over her shoulder.

 

Nelea recounts the story over dinner and even Beya can’t keep from laughing. Clarke smiles (because the woman is too kind for Clarke to ever be mad at, really) and Beya suggests that Clarke get some kind of training in the ways of the Earth from Octavia, which Clarke doesn’t think is a terrible idea and decides to ask Octavia about it in the morning.

 

Before leaving the table, she hears a snap from where Nelea sits, and looks to find her sitting there, holding a broken stick, the faintest hint of a smile on her face.

 

“See? Loud.” Nelea says, and Clarke just rolls her eyes at the girl as she gets up, taking her plate to the sink to clean.

 

Over her shoulder she hears Beya whisper something to Nelea in trigedasleng and Nelea gives her a short, huffy response before she hears the sound of the girl leaving. Clarke thought it was supposed to be teenagers who were moody, not girls as young as Nelea.

 

She figures sooner or later she should try and learn trigedasleng so she doesn’t have to feel like such an outsider in Polis, where only about half the people speak English.

 

For now she does pretty well with the few phrases she knows. 

 

(With people like Nelea and Octavia in her life, she thinks she could probably get by on _Shof op_ alone).

 

* * *

 

A few days later, she’s sitting in a field, talking with Octavia who's watching as Clarke sketches the outskirts of Polis, when she says so casually as though she doesn’t know the weight behind it, “Lexa asked about you.” Clarke freezes. “She’s the Commander, Clarke, she knows I’ve seen you.” Octavia continues, and Clarke’s almost mad. Sure, she’s the Commander, but that doesn’t mean she can fucking keep tabs on her.

 

"I thought you hated her." Clarke says, trying to change the subject, still sketching away to keep her mind off Lexa.

 

"I do. She let a missile hit Ton DC, killing hundreds of innocent people to keep Bellamy safe so that we could take out Mount Weather's defenses, and then took a deal to save her people alone and turned away from Mount Weather and the treaty, leaving the fates of all of our friends in jeopardy, and essentially leaving you no choice to irradiate another several hundred innocent people in order to save your own. Lexa sucks. But she's the commander, so I have to suck it up and deal with the fact that she's in charge and I fall under her command." Octavia explains with a definite bitterness to her tone that Clarke feels in her bones as she speaks.

 

She takes the sketchbook and puts it to her side, taking a deep breath and looking up to the sky before speaking.

 

"It's not all her fault. That's the worst part. I let her drop the bomb on Ton DC. I pulled the lever that irradiated Mount Weather. Those lives are just as much on me as they are on her. You know that Octavia." Clarke says, and Octavia nods.

 

"You saved Bellamy. You saved Lincoln. You saved _me_. You saved almost everyone trapped in Mount Weather. You kept everyone alive." Octavia tells her. It almost kills her to hear the words come out of her mouth. Sure, she saved some, but at what cost?

 

"I _killed_ people, Octavia. I never wanted that. I never wanted any of this. I wanted to keep everyone alive. That's all I ever wanted. My people alive." Clarke all but whispers. 

 

"You did what you had to." She says, and Clarke knows that. There's a part of her, however, that still truly believes that every life matters here. That every person whose death she caused was someone that should've been saved. There's a part of her that cares so much about her people that it hurts to think of what she's done. She cares so much about everyone that she can't bring herself to care about herself, not after what she's done.

 

"So did Lexa." She tells Octavia. They both know it's true. They're both leaders. They can't afford to think of themselves, not when the lives of so many others rest on their shoulders. What they say and do will always have infinite repercussions. Never will all people be satisfied with their actions. 

 

(Clarke tries to ignore the part of her mind telling her that despite it's toll on her people, Cage Wallace was doing exactly what she and Lexa did: protecting his people at all costs and thinking of them before he thought of himself.)

 

Clarke knows that she'll have to face Lexa sooner rather than later if she's ever going to be able to move past her.

 

"I have to see her, don't I?" Clarke says with a hint of defeat.

 

"You don't have to do anything, Clarke. You don't owe her anything." Octavia tells her. It's true, she doesn't. But at the same time, she has questions. Questions only Lexa can answer. Questions about that day, about the days before, about being a leader. 

 

It won't be easy seeing her. In fact, it will probably hurt, but she has to do it.

 

"Tell her I'll see her." She says, before she can change her mind. Octavia nods. She knows they're through talking about Lexa, and the past, so Clarke changes the subject. "You know that kid, Nelea. The one I'm staying with?" She asks, and Octavia shakes her head yes. "Right, well, I can't shake the feeling that I know her from somewhere, or that I've talked to her, or something. It's weird. Also, she's still being an ass about the stick thing." She tells her and Octavia smiles.

 

"I mean, it wasn't exactly your greatest moment, Clarke. Not your worst, but definitely not your best either." Octavia tells her with a chuckle, and Clarke rolls her eyes. She picks her sketchbook up again, finally, and goes back to sketching. "But, you know, there's the whole reincarnation thing. Maybe she's got a little of someone you knew in her." Octavia says. Clarke is still very skeptical about how reincarnation works and, although she's not willing to accept it as fact, she's certainly not dismissing it as a possibility.

 

"Maybe." Clarke says wistfully, wondering who, out of all the people she's lost this little girl could possibly remind her of.

 

"I should go soon. Lexa's having some kind of meeting with one of her village leaders tonight that she wants me there for. I'll let you know what she says." Octavia tells her, standing up slowly. 

 

"Okay. See you soon Octavia." Clarke replies. She doesn't get up, still wanting to just sit and think, the weight of her impending meeting with Lexa sitting heavily on her shoulders.

 

She wonders if she thinks about that day as much as Clarke does.

 

She doubts it haunts her in the way it haunts Clarke. Lexa never saw the blistered faces of the people that died in Mount Weather, never watched her people chained to the wall and shaking with fear. Lexa didn't shoot a man in the chest to prove a point. That was Clarke. Lexa took a deal that set her people free that would likely kill all of Clarke's, and was most likely surprised to find them all alive and herself absolved of all guilt for leaving those lives in jeopardy.

 

Yeah, seeing Lexa again is gonna suck.

 

* * *

 

It's fall in Polis. Clarke thinks it's probably been about a year since she landed on Earth with the 100. (They're no longer the 100, but Clarke tries not to think about how less than half of them survived, not now).

 

Three days after her conversation with Octavia, she finds herself standing alone in a very large and beautiful room of the Capitol Building waiting to see Lexa (although, it feels more like she's waiting for her execution.). She doesn't know how this meeting will go. When she got to the building, the guards, who Clarke recognized from previous encounters, searched her for weapons, and, though she had none, she wasn't surprised they did so. Anyone with half a brain would know there's a small part of her that wishes she could bring a knife and kill Lexa, to stab her in the back the way she'd done to Clarke that day at Mount Weather, rip out her heart, something, anything to make Lexa feel, the way Clarke still feels everything from that day. But today is not the day for that. She'll save that for another day, after she's heard what she needs to hear from her.

 

She's in the middle of admiring a marble structure that appears to be half of a human face when she hears quiet footsteps echoing in the cavernous room and she feels her stomach drop. Her spine straightens and her chest tightens, but she doesn't turn around, just listens as the footsteps get closer and closer until they're coming from right next to her and stop.

 

"Hello, Clarke." The voice is so painfully familiar, the way her name sounds coming from her mouth, and it stings. 

 

" _Commander._ " She says cooly, thinking that if she says her name it might consume her. 

 

"I will admit, I am surprised you actually came." Lexa tells her, and Clarke lets out an empty laugh before turning to face her, finding Lexa already facing her. She's almost taken aback by how young and clean Lexa looks. She's dressed in some kind of dark blue tunic and black pants. She looks simple, less like a Commander and more like the child she actually is.

 

"Yeah, well, when I say I'll do something, I follow through." Clarke says, the double meaning of her words clear. It's an attack on Lexa's betrayal of her people, and if Lexa feels it, she doesn't show her acknowledgement. "Why did you want to see me?" Clarke asks, a little scared to hear what the answer to her question could possibly be.

 

"To thank you." Lexa says. It makes Clarke's stomach sink, because there's only one thing she could thank Clarke for, and it's not something she wants to be thanked for. 

 

"Well don't. I did what I did for my people. It had nothing to do with yours. I don't deserve to be thanked for killing people. I deserve nothing. You left my people to die and because of that I killed hundreds of people." Clarke tells her, and Lexa swallows hard.

 

"I did what I had to. I won't apologize for avoiding the unnecessary bloodshed of my people. We do what we must for our people. Everything else comes second to the lives of our people, be it our guilt, our burdens or our feelings, surely you know this by now." Lexa explains, and Clarke knows she's right. She knows Lexa's not asking for her forgiveness because she doesn't need it. She sees nothing she needs to apologize for, and Clarke knows the same is not true of herself. She wants so desperately to apologize for every undeserving life she's taken, for every person she's let down and for everything she's done in the name of war.

 

In this moment, looking at Lexa's expressionless face, she hates her. She hates the way she can bring herself to not care. She hates the way that she can bring herself to thank Clarke for killing the Mountain Men. She hates that she can stand next to Clarke like she's done nothing wrong. She hates the fact that she wants nothing more than to turn around and walk out the door without so much as another word and make Lexa feel something, anything at all. But there's one thing she doesn't hate. Lexa. She wants to hate her, wants to blame her for everything that's ever happened to her, but she just doesn't. She hates what she had to do after Lexa left, but that's not Lexa's fault. It's her own. She could have gone back with her people to find a way to help, but instead she went into the mountain, guns blazing, and killed hundreds of people. Sure, it would have gone differently had Lexa not made the treaty that transitively led her to make the decision to pull the lever and irradiate Mount Weather, but it's not Lexa's fault. (If anyone, she should look to blame Cage Wallace, who she offered an alternative, and when he ignored it and she saw her people being harvested like crops, truly forced her hand and she pulled the lever to stop him from taking their lives.

 

Still, she wants to hate Lexa for turning her back on her and walking away. She trusted her and she made a deal that almost cost Clarke and everyone she cares about their lives. It stings, she won't deny that. But she hears Lexa's voice on the mountain that night telling her she cares about what she's doing, and that she's making the choice to walk away with her head, she's the Commander first afterall, and not her heart, and Clarke can't bring herself to hate Lexa, not really anyways.

 

"Why can't I hate you?" Clarke asks her before she can even think about it, and despite the fact that she knows why. A hint of sadness crosses Lexa's face but it disappears as quickly as it shows. Clarke wants to look away but she forces herself to keep her eyes on the girl in front of her.

 

"You can not hate me because you understand why I made the choices I did." She tells Clarke with a small frown. Clarke knows it's true. She knows that she and Lexa are both so similar and so different at the same time. It kills her to admit that. She doesn't want to be. She didn't want this. She didn't ask to be here, standing next to a girl who is possibly the only other person she's ever met who truly understands what it's like to lose everything they have, every feeling and every ideal they carry, all to a war they did not ask to fight.

 

"I hate that." She tells Lexa, and she hears what she thinks is a cross between a laugh and a sigh escape Lexa's mouth.

 

"I know." Is all she says. Clarke looks into her eyes and sees something more than the emptiness she feels, and wonders if some day maybe she'll have that too. If maybe some day she'll be able to smile with light in her eyes like she used to, or look at her mother without seeing the ghosts of her past standing around her. She wonders if her past will ever stop haunting her the way it does, whether she'll ever have a time in her life she feels peace again.

 

She hopes she does.

 

* * *

 

She and Lexa didn't talk about much after that, there wasn't much to say. Lexa asked her her thoughts on Polis and she told her about Beya and Nelea and Zeno. Lexa told her that she had spent many months in Ton DC overseeing the rebuild. She mentions that, despite Lexa's actions, there are still some people from Camp Jaha who are willing to help with the rebuild. Clarke guesses this is partially Octavia and Lincoln's doing. The evening goes on with much small talk, and it's in no way comfortable. Clarke still feels like she's punched in the gut every time Lexa mentions Mount Weather or her people, and Lexa seems to notice. Eventually, it starts getting late and Clarke tells Lexa she should leave. Before she leaves, Lexa asks if they'll talk again, and Clarke gives her a hesitant yes before leaving. (She still doesn't say her name).

 

When she gets back to Beya's home, she goes to the room she's been staying in and screams. She's been holding it in all day and she just kind of needed to let it out. She feels better once she's done that and just flops onto the bed of furs with a defeated sigh.

 

It's been a long fucking day.

 

* * *

 

It takes a while, probably a month or so, but eventually Clarke realizes that she and Lexa are back to a place that's close to where they were before Mount Weather. A place of mutual respect on some level or coexistence (and a place where Clarke feels comfortable saying her name, finally). Whatever it was, at least they could talk for the most part without Clarke wanting to throw whatever was at arms distance at her head to shut her up.

 

Most days, she and Lexa would meet at the Capitol Building. Today, however, Lexa was coming to Beya's and then they were going to go see something that Lexa wanted to show her. However, Lexa is not here yet and Nelea is in a mood.

 

"Sky girl." She greets Clarke, and she pretends to not be pissed off by the girl's disrespectful nature.

 

"Good morning Nelea." She says, and Nelea grunts.

 

"I am surprised to see you out of bed this early. You sleep more than Zeno and he is a baby." Nelea chastizes, and Clarke rolls her eyes.

 

"The Commander is coming by." She says nonchalantly, and watches as a look of shock crosses Nelea's face.

 

"Are you now too lazy to go to her?" Nelea asks, and Clarke huffs. Somehow even the Commander of Nelea's fucking people coming to see her gives the girl a reason to be snarky with Clarke. 

 

"Shof op, Nelea." She says, and Nelea just laughs at her in amusement.

 

"Just because the Commander trusts you does not mean I do." Nelea says. Clarke glares at her. She will never understand how such a young child came to be so distrustful of her to the point where not even the respect from the Commander earns her respect of her own. The world has already made her cold and untrusting and it makes Clarke almost sad to think about it.

 

"You don't have to trust me, but like it or not, we're here together and until I leave, we're going to have to be able to cooperate." Clarke explains as calmly as she can, and Nelea's face doesn't change from it's normal look of exhaustion with Clarke.

 

"There is no 'we'." Nelea says, and the familiarity of those words hits Clarke like a ton of bricks.

 

She's heard that before. Where has she heard that before? 

 

Her spirit, her distrust of Clarke, her hatred of her people...

 

Anya.

 

Nelea reminds Clarke of Anya.

 

Anya, who refused to be in a coalition with, or trust Clarke up until the very end. Anya, who helped Clarke escape from Mount Weather only to tie her up and drag her around the woods so she could have justice for the hundreds of Anya's people she killed. 

 

Of course.

 

She must have been staring at her in awe, because Nelea pipes up with, "Close your mouth, sky girl. You'll catch flies." 

 

Clarke would be mad at the girl if she didn't feel a sudden weird closeness to her- or, at least, a closeness to her spirit.

 

She's definitely going to ask Lexa about reincarnation on their trip.

 

"You're annoying." Clarke tells her, a small smile tugging at the corners of the girl's lips as she does.

 

"As are you." She says, and Clarke feigns hurt. She's going to fight back, but before she can, she hears a knock at the door and she knows Lexa is here.

 

She gets up and goes to the door and opens it, revealing Lexa, dressed similarly to the day they fought the giant gorilla together, and Clarke figures this is about as casual as she gets outside of her living quarters.

 

"Clarke, hello." She greets, and Clarke smiles.

 

"Hey Lexa." She replies. She feels some form of excitement about the day. It's just she and Lexa going somewhere. She doesn't know where. (If she didn't know better, she'd assume it's a date, but she still doesn't think she and Lexa are there). She hears Nelea clear her throat quietly from behind her and turns to face her. She looks like a completely different girl, almost shy in the Commander's presence. Nelea nods her head in Lexa's direction and Clarke guesses the girl is trying (not very subtly, she might add) to get Clarke to introduce her.

 

"Oh so now you're being respectful, huh?" Clarke mumbles in her direction, and Nelea just glares at her in defiance. She turns back to face Lexa before introducing the girl. "This is the kid I was telling you about, Nelea." She says and Lexa nods.

 

"Commander." Nelea says once her presence has been acknowledged, trying to make herself appear somehow bigger to Lexa.

 

"You are in training to be a warrior, yes?" Lexa asks, and Nelea shakes her head yes. "Good. You'll serve your people well as many before you." Lexa says and Nelea smiles, an actual genuine, non-mocking smile. "Come on Clarke, we should go before it gets any later. Goodbye, Nelea." Lexa says, and it's almost as though the girl is too starstruck to speak, because she simply nods goodbye, smile still etched onto her face. Clarke shuts the door with one final wave to Nelea before setting off to follow Lexa who's already set off down the path from the house towards the outskirts of town.

 

"She does not seem as terrible as you say, Clarke." Lexa tells her, and Clarke laughs.

 

"Well she's obviously enamoured with you. You're her Commander and she wants to be a warrior. She kinda looks up to you. Me, on the other hand, well, I'm just some asshole who fell from the sky who's making my self at home in her house. She has no reason to respect me." Clarke says, and Lexa hums in acknowledgement. Clarke realizes she still has no clue where Lexa is taking her as they get closer to the outskirts of Polis. "Where are we going?" She asks.

 

"Somewhere quiet, away from the city. I thought it would be a nice change of pace. Even the Commander has to take a break some time." She tells Clarke, and Clarke looks to her and smiles gently in response. Sure, there are still a lot of parts of her past that she hates, and Lexa happens to be deeply entrenched in them, but it she finds herself enjoying the process of getting to know Lexa, the person. Before she really only knew Lexa, the Commander. Clarke is slowly finding that there's two very different sides of her. She sees bits and pieces of each side in the other, but there are some things (like her simplicity and gentleness) that tend to remain on her more humanitarian side.

 

They walk in silence through a thickly wooded area, before Clarke breaks it. "Tell me about reincarnation." Clarke says. Lexa looks to her curiously before speaking.

 

"What would you like to know?" Lexa asks, and Clarke shrugs.

 

Clarke has a lot of questions, but settles on asking about the basics. "How it works, mostly. Is it just for the Commander, or everyone?"

 

"It is not just the Commander. We believe that when a person dies, their spirit seeks host in another's body. With the commander, they find their spirit through a number of rigorous tests. With others, their spirits are often never found. They don't always come back in a baby, as one would think. Sometimes they come back in an older child, or sometimes, though very rarely, an adult. It's a very hard thing to quantify. Why do you ask about this, Clarke?" Lexa asks. Clarke debates not telling her, but figures perhaps it's something Lexa would understand better than she does.

 

"It's just, well, Nelea. For a while, I've thought I knew her, or had met her before... I don't know, there was always a familiarity there. Octavia had mentioned reincarnation, so I started paying more attention to Nelea's mannerisms and what she said and today she said something and it all clicked." She tells Lexa, not saying it was Anya quite yet. Lexa looks a bit astonished, truthfully. It must really not be often that this happens.

 

"Who does she remind you of, then?" Lexa asks. Clarke almost doesn't want to tell her. She doesn't know how things were with she and Lexa, and she doesn't know how she'll react. She does tell her though.

 

"Anya." Clarke says, and Lexa stops in her steps, and Clarke follows suit. "I'm not positive, but, there's so much of Anya's defiance and determination, not to mention her distrust of me... It just reminds me so much of Anya. Or, what I knew of her, anyways." She explains, searching Lexa's face for any kind of acknowledgement of what she's said. She looks smaller, almost, and in a weird way it makes Clarke feel better to see her like this. Caring about something. "Tell me about her?" Clarke asks, and Lexa takes a deep breath.

 

"Once we get to where we are going." She says, and starts moving again. Clarke follows quietly behind her, wondering what could possibly be going through her mind.

 

They walk for a while, Clarke has no idea how long exactly it takes but she guesses it's about an hour. It's up a small mountain of sorts and the view is certainly worth being out of breath for. The mountain overlooks several other mountains and a small body of water, and it's beautiful. There's a heavy breeze and it pulls her hair back freely, and blows the wisps of hair that aren't secured in Lexa's braid back as well. Lexa has her eyes closed and its breathing deeply. Clarke watches her for a minute. If she looks past the armor, Lexa just looks like an average teenager enjoying a nice fall day, like there aren't lines in her face forged by worry and heavy thinking, like she's not haunted by her past. She just looks beautiful. Breathtaking, Clarke would say. Though, she thinks anyone would look beautiful with this backdrop.

 

"She took me on as her second when I was around Nelea's age." Lexa says, eyes still closed, savoring the moment. "I was twelve, I think, when I became commander. Anya was by my side every moment until then. She trained me to be a warrior, let me have nothing I hadn't earned, including her respect. She was never shy about her opinions, on me and otherwise. When the Commander before me died, she knew somehow that I would be next to lead my people. She stood watch as I completed test after test, proving myself to have the Commander's spirit and earning the title in my peoples' eyes. She stood by me as I fell in love with Costia, and watched as that love was ripped from me by the Ice Nation. She stood by me as I united the twelve clans when not all my people did. She stood next to me as we watched a ship fall from the sky and land on earth. I sent her to kill all that were in it. That was the last I saw of her." Lexa finishes, finally opening her eyes to look at Clarke. "How did she die?" She asks. Clarke realizes now that Lexa not once in their many hours spent together before Mount Weather has asked this question.

 

"She was shot. I was bringing her back with me to my camp after we escaped Mount Weather and as we approached my camp, my people shot at us, killing Anya in the process. I sat and watched as she died. She deserved better, especially in death." Clarke says.

 

Lexa takes both of her lips in between her teeth and looks up at the sky as though she’s blinking back tears. It takes everything in her not to wrap Lexa up in her arms and just hold her.

 

“I used to come out here when I was younger. It has always been the place where I can find peace with my past. It makes me feel smaller. As though every single thing I have done is so small in comparison to the enormity of all that is out there. I have only ever brought Anya and Costia with me.” Lexa tells her, and the weight behind those words doesn’t go unnoticed by Clarke. Anya and Costia are probably the two people Lexa has loved most in her life. She doesn’t know how Lexa feels about her, and she’s far from knowing the same about herself, but she knows that Lexa bringing her here means something. She needs to know what.

 

“Why did you bring me here, Lexa?” Clarke asks quietly, not wanting to disrupt whatever semblance of peace Lexa has found in the mountain.

 

“I hope for you to get the same thing from the mountain that I have, to find some form of inner peace. To show you that I do care. To show you the world.” Lexa says, and Clarke can’t help but chuckle. She doesn’t mean to, but she hears “Show you the world,” and her mind immediately jumps to the lyrics of the song from Aladdin that she grew up with. 

 

“Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh, it’s just, your wording reminded me of a song from when I was little.” Clarke explains, and the nervous look that had etched itself on to Lexa’s face fades quickly. Clarke thinks carefully about what she’s going to say next before she speaks. “It sure is beautiful.” She says, looking beyond Lexa to the other mountains that surround them, the sea of green covering them slowly fading to the gentle blue of the sky. It’s nothing if not picturesque. “I know you care, Lexa. I told you that day before Mount Weather in your tent that I do. You’re not as good an actress you’d like to think.” She tells Lexa who gives her a small smile in return. She turns away from Lexa to face the mountains that rise above the unknown body of water below and stands silently facing all the world. She inhales deeply, thinking of all the horrible things that haunt her from the past year of her life, and with each exhale, she manages to feel a little lighter. 

 

“Did that make you feel better?” Lexa asks, just as full of understanding as the last time she asked her that.

 

“Yes.” She answers her simply.

 

“Good.” Lexa replies. She makes her way over to Clarke, and the two of them stand silently facing the world together. 

 

She doesn’t know why she does it, but she finds herself reaching down and grabbing Lexa’s right hand and holding on to it. Lexa doesn’t protest, and they just stand there for what feels like hours but in reality is only minutes. Clarke wonders what’s to come, but she figures if she can survive this year, she’ll find a way to survive anything that the Earth throws at her.

 

She hopes that the Earth cuts her a break, because after the year she’s had, she could really use more moments like this.

 

* * *

 

A week after their visit to the mountain, Clarke kisses Lexa.

 

It was late at night and they had snuck outside to look at the stars and Lexa was in the middle of telling her about Orions belt (as though Clarke didn't know exactly what she was talking about and the fact that Lexa was pointing at the wrong set of stars) and the moonlight made her look so beautiful, like she was made from the stars herself, and Clarke couldn't resist, so she kissed her.

 

It was just as sweet as their first kiss all those months ago, and this time, Clarke didn't pull away for a long while, and when she did, it was only so she could catch her breath.

 

(When she goes to sleep that night, she wonders if the stars are aware that such a bright part of their constellation has fallen to Earth and been dimmed by it's time here).

 

* * *

 

As it gets to be winter, Lexa joins Clarke, Octavia, Nelea and several of the other warriors-in-training on a hunt, and Clarke (who has had stealth training as well as some other basic skills training from Octavia) assures she won't step on any more twigs. They're bundled up and Clarke is being as careful as possible while she goes to avoid any and all items that would make a loud sound (or, louder than the crunch of fresh snow underneath their feet) and says almost nothing. It's a rare occasion that the Commander joins her people for a hunt, so they're all very well behaved. Even Nelea has shown the barest hint of respect for Clarke in Lexa's presence and it makes her feel smug.

 

At one point, where it's particularly slippery, she happens to lose her footing and trip, grabbing Lexa's arm and bringing her down with her. Everyone, barring Octavia and Nelea stare in shock, not fully understanding how the Commander has yet to furiously yell at her and is instead, laying at her side, laughing into her shoulder. Clarke starts apologizing profusely and talking about how "It's not my fault, the snow was very slippery and I really thought I had it. I've been on the earth for less than two years it's not my fault I'm not used to snow and plus ice is really a cheat." Eventually, Nelea gets fed up with Clarke's incessant chatter and picks up a handful of snow and shoves it in Clarke's face. 

 

Clarke simply looks in awe at the girl because if she hadn't been sure the girl had Anya's spirit before, she was sure now. 

 

She gives Lexa a look, and Lexa nods. She seems to recognize the spirit too and there's a small smile on her face as she gracefully stands up, offering her hand to Clarke once she's standing and stable. She pulls Clarke up and signals to everyone to continue with their hunt.

 

She presses a chaste kiss to Lexa's cheek and whispers an apology to her before they continue on the path themselves quietly, each thinking once again about Anya and their own experiences with her.

 

(Of course, when she gets home she doesn't hear the end of her little fall and she just rolls her eyes and thinks calmly about the day that Nelea is old enough for Clarke to hit her over the head like Anya did to her to shut her up).

 

* * *

 

Eventually, Lexa offers Clarke one of the rooms in the Capitol Building, and she accepts the offer. 

 

On her last night in Beya’s home, almost nothing is different than it has been any other night. Except for the fact that Nelea has not once called Clarke sky girl and instead has, several times, called her Clarke. At the end of the meal, Clarke gets up to leave and go to pack up her things.

 

As she’s doing so, Nelea lets herself in to the room.

 

“You know, sky girl, you’re not too bad after all.” She says, and it’s in no way a grand compliment, but coming from Nelea, it means a lot.

 

“I’ll miss you too, Nelea.” Clarke says, and she extends her arm to shake. The girl accepts and shakes her arm. 

 

Nelea then gives her a goofy wave, which she assumes is supposed to be somewhat mocking of herself, and leaves the room without so much as another word.

 

She knows now that this girl definitely has Anya’s spirit, and she knows this certainly isn’t the last she’ll see of her.

 

* * *

 

She visits Nelea, Beya and Zeno as often as she can, staying for dinner and catching up on Nelea’s progress in training and whatever other stories they can exchange, and it always makes her miss them. Nelea still calls her sky girl from time to time, but for the most part she’s taken to using her real name, and it makes Clarke happy to think that this girl has found her peace with Clarke’s presence. Each time she leaves, the girl gives her the same arm shake and goofy wave and it’s arguably one of Clarke’s favorite things she’s ever seen.

 

Despite herself, she does love the girl and she’s glad to have met this child who helped change her life for the better, and she hopes to be around to watch her grow up to be like Octavia or Anya, who she’s finding are two of the best role models the girl could want. 

 

(She knows that soon, Octavia will ask the girl to be her second, and she really couldn’t be more proud).

 

* * *

 

One night, she's lying in bed with Lexa, tracing the tattoo on her back, and connecting her freckles like constellations when she asks her quietly, "Do you think someone out there has my dad's spirit?" It's a question that she's had on her mind for quite some time, and she's not sure she wants the answer.

 

"Yes. I think every soul goes somewhere." Lexa tells her, rolling over so she's leaning her head in her hand and looking up at Clarke.

 

"I wonder where his soul is." Clarke muses, and Lexa gives her a small smile before leaning in to kiss her gently.

 

"Perhaps his soul found it's way to yours." She says when she pulls back from the kiss, and Clarke feels a tug in her chest. Her mother always says she reminds her of her father, so perhaps it's true. 

 

Whether what Lexa says is true or not, knowing that somewhere out there exists a person who has a soul that echoes her father gives her hope and some degree of happiness she truly never thought she'd feel again. She kisses Lexa one last time before she lets herself drift off to sleep.

 

She thinks of her father as she falls asleep, and hears the words spoken to her so many times in her life before as she finally does fall asleep.

 

_May we meet again_.

 

* * *

 

It’s her first peaceful sleep in month, and Clarke cherishes it. There’s a lot of time ahead of her, and she knows that, but for now, she’s content to live in the moment, which is, of course, waking up next to Lexa as the sun seeps in through the windows and finds it’s way to her face, illuminating her in sleep. She knows that moments like these, where she’s not worried for her life or protecting herself from danger, are so limited, and so she enjoys it, happy to just simply live for once.

 

Clarke thinks that this life is about so much more than just surviving, and she hopes that maybe, some day, she'll be able to truly _live_ it.

 

(At some point, some day is bound to become today and that's all the promise of a future she really needs).

 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by a post I made over at my tumblr (clarkeofthebikru.tumblr.com) about reincarnated Anya. Follow me there and talk to me about it because I wanna know what you all think!!
> 
> Title comes from the song Kings and Queens by Brooke Fraser!


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